characters/pairings: MiSa, LiJa, LJ
Spoilers:S1&2 (just to be safe)
Warnings: Drug abuse, voilence
Summery: They had their fight and LJ had his. The aftermath of everything from LJ's POV.
At first he was able to handle it. You know, with the therapists and the well meaning family members who always wanted to help. For a while their good wishes blocked the pain.
But when they moved on he was left with nothing but the pain and the memories.
He was happy when his father announced his engagement to Jane…. even happier still when he stood behind his father at his Uncle’s wedding.
But at night he was left with only the darkness as company. The memories are horrible, filled with too little too late and losing people he loved and who loved him.
But as bad as they are, not having them is worse.
When he doesn’t have the memories, when the flashes of the past don’t scare the shit out of him, he has feelings.
With the feeling of bare feet running over pavement, his heart racing…the smell of his own odor….the hunger and nausea…the pain of the run….the fear of stopping and the exhaustion.
He saves it for this one day. He buys it whenever he can…whenever he sees someone discreetly selling, he’ll discreetly buy.
But he won’t use. No he saves it for the day his mother died. The day his mother and step-father were killed.
The day he should have died. The day he wishes he had.
He knows what his father and Uncle would do to him if they found out. But he doesn’t care. They don’t understand, they didn’t experience what he did.
They had their fight and he has his.
He only wishes they could understand they fought two different battles. They didn’t shove a man down a well only to come back later to find his corpse. They don’t look out their window and wonder who’s staring back. They have their wives to heal them.
They fought and won, he fought and survived. He was quickly learning the difference between victory and survival.
But he had mother morphine and she gave him what he truly wanted.
He cried the first time he slide the needle into his flesh. It scared him, sure he ran them but he never used. That was below him.
Yet here he was….like any other pathetic kid….getting high to forget.
Before the bliss takes over he sees his mother, her body bleeding before him, he hears his step-father cry for him to run.
Then suddenly he feels nothing at all.
Later he’ll wake up in his own vomit and piss…he’d hate himself. Still he’d be right on time for the next year, with the next dose of oblivion.